When I was in college, we went out to a local bar that had karaoke. I had never done it. My roommate put in for Around the Way by LL Cool J, and dragged me up on stage to do it with him. There were so many reasons to not do this: Neither of us really knew the lyrics. White dudes singing hip hop is usually terrible. And there were two Cute Girls of note in attendance. But, I felt obligated. We went on stage. We sucked. Some people booed.
And I was done with karaoke.
Some years later in my mid-twenties, we were invited to a birthday in a private karoke room. I remmeber being a total grouch the whole time. “This isn’t fun! This is cheesy and stupid. Why am I here?” my inner monologue ranted, and projected outward in bad vibes. What a dick I must have seemed to the others, singing their songs and having fun. Who invited this killjoy?
So, something happened between my college trauma and my mid-twenties stuck-up-ness, that by the time I turned 40 I started enjoying, then loving, then LOVING, karaoke. Maybe I just got over myself and stopped caring about appearing silly or embarrassing. I think of embarrassment as a fake thing – a cousin adjacent to shame. A lingering tremor from the insecure small self who thinks he’s not good enough, not talented or attractive enough, not smart enough, to be or belong in the world, that needs to perform in all circumstances as a perfect civilized professional courteous bot who does not ever say the wrong thing or trip on a shoelace or fart or otherwise act like a real human being.
And seriously, who the fuck cares? Is anyone really like, “haha look at that old guy singing Duran Duran, HE Must be having a mid-life crisis – ‘put some Just For Men in your beard, boomer!” Of course not. And also…so what if I am? What do I care what you think? And I was born in LATE 1977, thank you, and thus not a boomer but solidly Gen X. But, who is the part of me who cares what people think of me? It’s the same small critic-self that deflates most of my creative endeavors. That inherited and overcharged part is trying to make me an appealing potential mate to others in a prehistoric sense, but also to protect me from pain and hurt feelings.
So what do I love about karaoke? I love singing silly songs. I love being silly and flamboyant. I love being with friends, laughing and having a good time. I love hearing them be silly and flamboyant, singing their own silly renditions of popular songs. god, it is so fun.
Karaoke is like public speaking, on steroids. Not only do you have to stand in front of an audience, and have attention put on you, but you have to SING – a very vulnerable act. Waaaay more than delivering a polished talk or presentation. It is an opportunity to tell my small inner critic, “not today, friend!”
I keep a Karaoke playlist that I am constantly updating, tweaking, refining. Curating, really. I practice it in the kitchen when making dinner, in the shower, while working on art, in the car when I am in a car – which lets face it, anytime I find myself in a car, I have failed at life. Driving a car is the lowest form of human activity one can spend their precious moments engaged in. Seriously, whenever I have to drive somewhere, I am forced to reckon with the series of bad life choices that have led to me getting behind the wheel of a car, starting the engine, and driving somewhere. But I digress – I sing while walking or on a bike ride. Yep, I do. And I do not care if you walk by me like, “is that guy singing Modern Love by David Bowie?” Sure am, and I just injected some sweet surprising zest into the tepid mocktail that is your life!
All of it in service to the sweet community cultural phenomenon of gathering in a room and singing pop music together.
So in honor of my 48th birthday and the multiple karaoke parties planned for this holiday season, I present this post, and my heavily curated Karaoke playlist. They are my loves. They are dumb, unabashed, poetic. They represent me.
There are a couple of caveats. It is in the Universal Code of Karaoke DJ Ethics that they will systematically reject any tickets with Don’t Stop Believin‘ by Journey, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond (though Cracklin’ Rosie might sneak through a lazy DJ’s purview, and is an infinitely more amazing song after seeing Will Ferrell portray Neil in an SNL riff of VH1 Storytellers – “My insatiable and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song!…ohhh cracklin’ rosie get on boooarrd!...”
I think Mindy Kaling once said that straight men singing female voices was not allowed, and I accept this logic. So there are not songs with female leads in my list, though I do have a few I keep around when Heather asks “OK what song should I sing?” If I were a girl these would be my top three:
It’s Oh So Quiet by Bjork
Bad Romance by Lady Gaga
Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls
And with that, on to the List!
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The Standbys:
Dancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen
Can You Forgive Her by Pet Shop Boys
Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
I am always ready with one of these, no matter the situation. These are the songs I know in my bones. If I am at a bar and I get one shot at a song, these songs are queued in my frontal lobe and ready to fire off anytime. Everyone loves The Boss. Can You Forgive Her is a devastating song. And Boulevard of Broken Dreams might be my life’s anthem – walking a lonely road (cue tiny sad violin).
The “NOOOOO STOP TOO SEXY!” Songs
Need You Tonight by INXS
Policy of Truth by Depeche Mode
If I’m really feeling it and want to puff out my chest and strut around like I am the coolest guy in the room, singing these songs slay all who witness. I am the Ark of the Covenant, opened and pouring out divine flame to a captive audience. At least, that’s what I imagine is happening. Kind of like this guy:
The Over-The-Top Tomfoolery Choices
Beautiful Girls by Van Halen
Poison by Alice Cooper
Three drink minimum to conjure the bravery to attempt one of these. It is an art to choose a song that might be on the periphery of one’s music knowledge, and on the periphery of social appropriateness. But to hear these ridiculous lyrics sung puts us in stitches. It is almost impossible to keep a straight face singing these songs. Also David Lee Roth might be my Spirit Animal.
The “I Might Actually Have an OK Voice” Choices
I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab For Cutie
Nightswimming by REM
Don’t Dream It’s Over by Crowded House
Three pretty songs generally in my range, (dropping an octive in the Death Cab song where Ben Gibbard sings “in the blackest of roooooooooooooms“.
Crowd Pleasers
Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran
Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger
Against All Odds by Phil Collins
Two bangers. Hungry Like the Wolf is one of the greatest songs ever made, and Flagpole Sitta is an underrated masterpiece. It’s also no secret that I have loved Phil Collins all my life. This is perhaps his most emasculating song, and according to Heather his best song…wait, what does she mean? “I wish I could just make you turn around…TURN AROUND AND SEE ME CRY!” Phil Collins is the anti-David Lee Roth. Those two are the yin/yang of my pop music loves, in which miniature versions of themselves sit on my opposite shoulders like karaoke angel and devil sprites, whispering their temptations into my ears.
The “Matt Discovered Yacht Rock This Year” Songs
Ride Like the Wind by Christopher Cross
Africa by Toto
We’re getting into the dregs now. On a flight home this year I put on the Yacht Rock documentary and became fascinated by the entire phenomenon of late 70’s – early 80’s bands from California going for the smoothest sounds (and kinda insipid lyrics) possible. I also discovered very late the hilarious and transcendent Yacht Rock mockumentary series which is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. These songs get queued up because we’re now in hour 3 of a rented karaoke room and everyone’s getting kind of tired but you’ve still got 45 minutes of time. And I don’t care how ‘problematic’ Africa is – or to put it another way, it is so over-the-top problematic that it somehow becomes more endearing and more ridiculous to sing. A karaoke classic that everybody sings along to, and it juices the party just when it was starting to lag a bit.
The “Unreasonable Wish” Duet Songs
The Look by Roxette
Rock Lobster by B-52s
The Look requires exquisite timing that is almost impossible to get right – the part between the male, “And I go, LA LA LA LA LA” —– <four beats of dead silence> — – <then both male and female singers come in at the same split second>”NA NA NA NA NA!”. It would take the rigorous training of an Olympic figure skating duo to get this timing right, which most mortals simply do not have. And I have been shot down numerous times by “certain people” who refuse to take on the animal sounds in Rock Lobster, which is one of my life’s great disappointments. I suggest to those people to go re-read the paragraph above about embarrassment.
The “Time to Close It Down” Songs
You’re one minute to shutting the room down, the owner comes in to take out the recycling, coats are being put on, and you’re the one standing there with the mic.
In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel
Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles
Open Arms by Journey
Send ’em on their way with an anthem we all can chime in on. Yeah there’s a Journey song but it’s 2 minutes long and over before you know it.
So what are your go-to karaoke songs? Let me know!